Twenty Tips for Camping I Learned from Horror Films

What a gorgeous weekend it was here in Vancouver British Columbia! Summer is coming which got me to thinking about camping. I actually haven’t camped in years but I recently acquired a tent from a co-worker. I am an amateur camper at best so I referenced some of my favourite camping themed horror films for advice. A variation of the following tips may also be applied if staying in a cabin or embarking on a road trip.

#1. Your guest list should include the following: the biggest douchebag you know, your skankiest girlfriend, an awkward unpopular friend, a funny friend (a stoner friend is a good substitute if you don’t have a funny friend), and a smart, pretty female friend (this is imperative).

#2. If travelling in couples, you will definitely need a fifth wheel. Any of the above guests will do; an annoying sibling will also suffice.

#3. Try to find a location where a group like yours previously disappeared; the more remote the better.

#4. If you discover an unusual, rundown tourist attraction along the way, check it out!

#5. If you stop for directions to your destination and the locals warn you not to go; ignore them and mock them openly.

#6. Be sure to forget some essential camping gear, it makes it more of a challenge.

#7. Pick up a hitchhiker…or two.

#8. No matter where you decide to camp, your cell phone will not work.

#9. Drugs and alcohol are a must.

#10. High heels and a miniskirt is perfectly suitable attire for camping.

#11. There is no idea too stupid if it will get you laid.

#12. Never miss an opportunity to play a joke on your friends. Make strange noises outside your friend’s tent and then spring from a hiding place when they come out to investigate.

#13. If you hear a disconcerting sound in the night, investigate it immediately, preferably alone.

#14. If one of your party goes missing, always split up to search for them.

#15. No one can run through the forest without tripping and falling.

#16. Flashlights always stop working.

#17. No camping trip is complete without an evening Skinny dip.

#18. If warned not to eat a certain berry or mushroom, do so immediately. Don’t let some buzzkill, no-it-all tell you what to do.

#19. Regardless of how new your vehicle is, you will not be able to get it started when you really need to.

#20. If confronted by a wild animal or deranged killer try to reason with the menace. Alternatively beg for your life, or scream. You may also consider escape; keep in mind tip #15 and tip #19.

Happy Vacationing!

35 Responses to “Twenty Tips for Camping I Learned from Horror Films”

  1. Don’t forget: if you get mad at somebody, take a walk by yourself deep into the woods to let off some steam.

  2. Great post! Fascinating idea, last time we camped, a local ‘harmless’ fox took a liking to our camp, that was scary enough never mind some slasher running round!

    • goregirl Says:

      Thank you! Too funny! I have to laugh at that because I once had a run in with a mama raccoon and her two babies. The damn thing was hissing at me and all the hair was standing up on its back! I just stood there frozen for what felt like a half hour. It was more like 2 minutes, and it gave up and walked on past. I think I heard it laughing at me as it walked away.

  3. And of course, if being chased, turn around and walk slowly backwards, surveying the ground you’ve already covered. Don’t turn back around until you’re absolutely sure that there’s no one behind you, because they definitely won’t be in front of you…

    • goregirl Says:

      Yep….that’s a classic…and no matter how fast you run, whatever is chasing you can walk at a normal pace and gain on you.

  4. If you are alone and frightened, try standing with your back to an exterior window.

  5. Great Post Gore Girl, I think I will stick to camping in my own backyard now…thanks for ruining my summer dammit!….:)

  6. Good post! All I need now, is to convince some people that it’s actually a good idea. Just kidding. On the other hand, the temptation is too strong, I’m confused now. :)

    • goregirl Says:

      FLR -thanx- All these tips should be followed to the letter! Horror movies have so many life lessons to teach us.

  7. super great post !!!
    still laughing over #18… true

  8. Great Post!

    I enjoyed the whole list a lot.

    #13. If you hear a disconcerting sound in the night, investigate it immediately, preferably alone.

    To this I would like to add:
    No need to put clothes or pants on before investigation…

  9. If you catch Jason, don’t bring him to space…

  10. This is so great.

  11. 21. When running away through the woods from the killer, keep screaming so he’ll know where to look for you.

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